Young Writers Society

this is a good writing piece your a good writer yeah there were some mistakes but I won't point them out to you. Some people don't get that when your lost in your writing your going to make some mistakes that's ok. As long as you are getting it down is what matters. Anyway I did like reading this keep up the good work.

Hehe, I love how you've brought the three siblings to life, nicee work. You've got a lot of talent, especially considering your age.

Two things I have to pick out.

Speach-tag Syndrome. There are some words people skim over when reading, and 'said' is one of them, so don't worry about using it too much. If you use words like 'shout', 'groan', 'scold', all the time, it gets tiring to the reader.

Similar with names. As long as the word 'she' or 'he' doesn't come at the start of most sentences, don't worry about overusing them. In your first two paragraphs you only need to mention Tally's name once, and shuffle around a few sentences, otherwise the repitition gets annoying. When there's more than one person in a scene, you can use 'she' or 'he' until you mention a different name, and the reader will assume it's all the same person.

Also, when someone new speaks it counts as a separate paragraph, so you need double line spacing there too.

I'm intrigued to find out what happens next, so let me know when you post chapter three Keep up the good work. Kudos.

It was eight ‘o’ clock. [I think it's actually "eight o'clock"]Tally sat in her room with the window slightly open. The breeze was rustling the pages of her magazine. She could hear Tom in next room listening to loud music and singing along out of tune. A particularly loud rock band blared through Tom’s speakers. Tally hopped off her bed and thumped on the wall.

“Turn the music down!” Tally screamed. [you could replace Tally with 'she', since she's the last character mentioned]

he threw her magazine on the floor and went to hammer on Tom’s bedroom door.

He opened it seconds later, bobbing his head in time to the music.
“Turn the music down,” demanded Tally. [ ordered could also work. Demanded feels a bit more like she wants him to give her something, rather than do something. Maybe that's just me. *her mind works in funny ways*]
“What? I can’t hear you!” Tom shouted.
A wide, stupid grin broke across his face as Tally looked ready to explode. [I might switch the order here. It feels like we see him grin before we see her expression, even though his grin is in reaction to her expression] Alex appeared on the stairs looking grouchy. His hands were pressed over his ears. [Is there another part that comes before this? I get the feeling I should know who Alex is and what their relationship is. I'm assuming they're siblings. =P And again, you could tie some of these phrases together.]
“Switch off that bloody music,” Alex groaned.
Tom put his foot out hoping to block the way to his room.[Maybe you should mention that he has reason to think someone is going to try and come in...?] Tally barged past and twisted the volume button.
“If you want to listen to this rubbish,[comma] do it in the cellar where no one can hear you. What do you think dad put the games room there for?” she scolded Tom.
“But Alex listens to loud music in his room” Tom protested.
Alex leant against the doorway in his usual cool, superior way. He was shaking his head.
“Yes,[comma] but what I listen to has meaning and proper rhythm” he argued.
Tom looked slightly hurt and confused but stood his ground.
“Get out of my room,” he snarled at Tally and Alex.
Tom turned the volume back up and ignored his siblings. Alex raised his eyebrows and walked towards him. In one swift move he had Tom in a fireman’s lift and out into the corridor. Tally watched as Alex started down the stairs.
“What the hell are you doing” snapped Tom.
Tally hit the off button and went back to her magazine.

Peaceful silence reigned over the house for another hour. Tally had remained on her bed reading and the boys had stayed in their rooms.[They did? But didn't Alex take Tom somewhere?] Tally glanced at [s]her[/s]the[felt repetitive to use 'her' twice] alarm clock near her window. As she did so, something outside caught her eye:[colon?] A hazy purple glow pulsing like a heartbeat[one word] and reflecting off the glittery[might use 'glittering'] garden ornaments. Tally slowly closed her book and rolled backwards over her bed. She tiptoed to the window and cautiously leant out. The glow was coming straight through the French doors in the kitchen. Tally resisted the rhythmic pulse for only a few moments before being drawn in. She felt dizzy,[comma] but the good kind of dizzy. The kind you feel just before drifting into a deep sleep.

The front door slammed. Tally jumped and fell forwards, scraping her arm on the windowsill and smacking her head against the pane. She narrowly avoided tumbling out. Keys rattled down the hallway before being slammed on the kitchen counter--Tally’s mum was home.

Tally padded down the stairs to meet her mum. She was expecting a warm, tired greeting but instead her mum was standing, hands on hips frowning at the kitchen table. Tally followed her glare. The table looked exactly the same as it had before Tally had tidied it.
“I told you to just clean the table and you couldn’t even manage that,” her mum scolded[s] her[/s].
Tally looked open mouthed from her mum to the messy table and back again.
“But I did do it,” Tally mumbled in a small voice.
“Blatantly lying, just get it done now” she growled.
Tally’s mum stalked away to watch telly in the living room,[comma] leaving Tally gawping. [same thing as gaping?]
‘That wasn’t fair.’[<did she say that, think that? Why are there little 's ?] The plates had been piled up and put in the sink along with the cups. Tom couldn’t have done it. He had the memory of a goldfish. [I think you need to mention that the reason he needs a good memory is because they are in exactly the same place as before, I know you already did, but maybe emphasize..?]

Tally sighed and began collecting the plates again. Tom came up from the cellar and opened the cupboards for a snack. [You said the boys were in their rooms, no?
“Didn’t you do that already?” he mumbled from the pantry.
Tally hesitated with a cup hovering over the table,[comma] watching the pantry door to see what Tom was going to stuff in his mouth. He withdrew with twenty grapes shoved into his mouth and a chocolate bar in his hand. Tally beckoned for him to throw the chocolate to her. He reached back into the pantry and chucked another one. The commercial gold writing caught the light and shone, making Tally remember the golden heart locket. She let the chocolate fly past her and dug under Bellatrix’s plate.[Who now? Also, maybe do something with this phrase. I almost said it should be 'dig under Bellatrix's...' because I thought the candy bar was still the subject. =P ] Tom watched her suspiciously.
“Whar you ooing?” he mumbled, dribbling grape juice.
Tally slowly let the chain uncoil and gazed at the twisting locket.[Imma say there is something I should have read, since this makes no sense to me. =P]
“Do you know anything about this?” she asked mysteriously.
“It’s a locket,” Tom stated in his frustratingly simple way.
He came round the breakfast table and leant on the back of a chair, squinting at it. Tally avoided touching the heart but held the chain higher so he could see.
“I’ve never seen it,” he muttered.
“We should open it,” Tally decided.[period]” Can you get my ski gloves?”
Tom gave her a confused, searching look but did as he had been asked and joined Tally at the dinner table. Tally pulled on her gloves and picked up the locket. She didn’t want her hand to go strange again. Clumsily she attempted to unfasten the two halves and dropped it onto the table.
“Why are you wearing gloves?” asked Tom as the locket slipped away again.
“Stop asking questions” Tally growled.
She shot Tom a look of mingled anger and irritation.

Tally and Tom picked at the lock late into the night. The dishes had been washed and cleared away again and thrown into their cupboards. A Jumble of hammers and sharp objects were littered over the table. Tom picked up the pliers.
“What about these?”
Tally looked at them and slammed down the tweezers. Tom handed her the pliers.
“We may as well, we tried everything else,” she sighed.
The pliers scratched against the gold. Tally dropped the heart.
“No, not good enough,” she groaned.
Just wondering, aren't they worried about damaging the locket? Also, she keeps dropping the heart, why? And thirdly, if she's trying to force it open with no regard for it's condition, then you should say that it refuses to open or something. =P I thought maybe she dropped it because it was doing damage.

Tom reached out for another tool but his fingers met the table top. Tally glanced up at the hesitation. There was nothing else to try. They both frowned with disappointment.
“Why are we even trying to open it?” Tom wondered.
Before Tally could answer their mum walked into the kitchen with an empty mug in her hand. She jumped when she saw them.
“What are you two doing awake still?” I'd try maybe 'What are you two doing still awake?'
Tom and Tally tried to give her innocent looks but by the expression on her face said she wasn’t buying it. Tally pressed the locket into her hand.
“Just get to bed now,” her mum commanded.
She shooed them towards the stairs.

Tally pushed open her bedroom door. The room was cold now and the curtains were flapping. She threw the locket into a corner. It flew through the window of her old Victorian dolls house. Ripping off her ski gloves, Tally slammed the window shut and fell into bed.

Midnight came;[semi colon?] The house was silent and dark. Tally’s holiday ornaments began to shake on her shelf,[comma] the lampshade swung. A faint purple light was coming from the dolls house. With every pulsing glow, the light shone brighter until it completely drowned the room. Tally slept on. In ten minutes the whole house was bathed in a purple aura. It shook like a boat in a stormy sea.
It finally settled,[comma] but not without leaving a few surprising changes.

Hello.

She could hear Tom in next room listening to loud music and singing along out of tune.

The breeze was rustling the pages of her magazine.

“Turn the music down!” Tally screamed.

She threw her magazine on the floor and went to hammer on Tom’s bedroom door.

Tally barged past and twisted the volume button.

Tom put his foot out hoping to block the way to his room. Tally barged past and twisted the volume button.

“Get out of my room,” he snarled at Tally and Alex.

Tally hit the off button and went back to her magazine.

Tally’s mum was home.

Tally looked at them and slammed down the tweezers.

Heya! I liked the first line of chapter two, it was descitpive and nicely done, but far frmo OTT. This really good, and I'm sorry but I can't do grammar. This is a grat piece, and I am inetersted about the stroryline, not too cliche so far though! I ahte cliche, but this is really nicely written and I can't think of anyhthing else, just...

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~